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Joke of the Day

A Texas fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty five pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at twenty five pounds, but the Texas fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy. Gonna be an Texas football player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.  The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed twenty five pounds at birth?  Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed twenty five pounds the day he was born!"

The proud father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Quotes

I don't know who said this, but I agree with it 100%:

    A veteran -- whether active duty, retired, or national guard or reserve -- is someone who, at one point in his, or her, life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America," for an amount of "up to and including my life."

    That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.

News Anchor

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.  What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?  We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:  "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"  Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Taco Bell

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.  I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".  I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me."  Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"  "No," he replied.  I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.  So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"  This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled " SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

At the Bank

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"  The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.